


Not Okay

by Jairephix



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: HOO BOY SPOILERS LIKE WHOA, I love the IPRE team so much good golly gosh, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 01:46:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12098031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jairephix/pseuds/Jairephix
Summary: The crew of the Starblaster isn't okay.How do you come out of something like that, and be okay?





	Not Okay

Davenport had nightmares.  
Nightmares of his world turned to static, of knowing so little he was a caricature of a living being. He found no joy in his birthday any longer. He woke up in cold sweats, out of dreams where there was nothing but things he couldn’t remember, couldn’t say, couldn’t hold. He couldn’t remember his deaths, his friends and crew. He couldn’t remember their home. He took to travel and minimal contact. It was better that way, never staying in one place long. He felt more at home than he had in over a century.  
And yet he still found his fate the least cruel out of them all.

 

Lup knew a decade of loneliness and the ability to remember everything wasn’t that bad a trade off. But she hated being alone, now. She couldn’t spend more than a couple of moments without panic rising in her chest. What if something happened, what if someone disappeared, what if they died and it was because she wasn’t there? What if they all left her behind, not knowing where she had gone?  
She wrote more notes now, detailed ones. Where she was going, how long she’d expect to be away, why. It was for her own sanity. Sure, she was a lich and no longer had to worry about being consumed by her own Umbra Staff, but she finally had a corporeal body. She liked being able to breathe, eat, feel things. She could kiss her boyfriend, hug her brother.  
She refused to be alone any more.

 

Barry no longer feared death.  
Once, a long time ago, he had. Death was the ultimate end. And now? Now he had died possibly even more times than Merle. Death was an inconvenience, and the only thing that actually scared him now was the dark, and losing his family again. He hated only remembering them when they would fear him the most. It hurt to know how badly they had been turned against him, against Lup, against their own past. There was still the chance to lose them, in more mundane ways, now.  
Secretly, he was glad the Starblaster was destroyed, now. It meant that he wouldn’t be tempted to use it to pull them all away from their home.

 

Merle couldn’t catch a break.  
How many clerics could say they had lost a connection with their deity that many times? How many crises of faith must a man have before he breaks? He still walked the path of Pan, still did his best, and yet so many times, on so many worlds, he lost a connection or died before it could be severed.  
It took a lot out of anyone to be shaken to your core, to speak face to face with the thing seeking your utter destruction, world after world after world.  
How many times could he forgive others before he forgave his own cowardice?  
How many times did he run before he could finally take a stand?

 

Magus had lost so little, and so much.  
When they had first set out, he knew he was the strongest, and sought every thrill. That is, until he was soundly beaten down, knew where his weakness was, knew that he couldn’t fight every fight. He knew he had to run and run and run. He lost mentors, friends. It was safer to just remember the others aboard the Starblaster, stay with them. He could protect them at least.  
Every one of their deaths weighed on him, no matter how long before the next year, before the next escape. He had sleepless nights where he tried to picture how to save them.  
And when he forgot them all, when he forgot why it hurt to let new people in, when he forgot his friends, his family…  
He found Julia.  
And all too soon, she was stolen away, too. By an uncaring monster that just wanted what stood in its way gone.  
With her lost, so too did he lose himself, for a while. Who cared if he died? He still did what was right, but if it was at the cost of his life, so what?  
He found his family again, after all. He cared a little more about staying alive to protect them all too. But still, Magnus welcomes the day he finally sees her again, even if he knows it’ll be years.  
Every day is a day sooner, and he’s okay with that.

 

Taako may be the least okay out of them all.  
His constant companion forgotten for a decade, even as she was by his side. His trusted assistant murdered a town out of jealous, dumped the guilt on him, and they ran. Abandoned. Again and again and again, and this time it was worse because he didn’t have Lup, he couldn’t remember her. He was tossed aside, again.  
“Who would even have me?” he had confessed, once. It was true, though. Who would? Who would have a washed up chef who didn’t cook for those he cared about out of fear of doing it again? Who would have a wizard who couldn’t remember something so terribly important, who couldn’t remember being one of the most amazing wizards who had ever existed?  
He had called himself an idiot once. Maybe that was just the way it was, when your mind turned to bitter poison against you, hatred at what you failed at internalized until it ate away at your very core. Anxiety manifested in nail biting, hidden by polish and bragging.  
A braggart couldn’t hate themselves, couldn’t be full of so much self-loathing.  
He couldn’t trust himself to not lash out and hurt them. How could he let others put their trust in him?

 

Lucretia, without a doubt, had it the absolute worst.  
She remembered it all.  
Everything.  
Their joy, their fear, their laughter, their tears.  
She made them all forget.  
Davenport lost it all. Even his dignity. Her captain, her friend, and she had reduced him to so little.  
Lup was lost, in totality. She didn’t know, not then. She had made everyone lose someone, and she had nearly lost Lup forever.  
Barry could only remember when he was waiting patiently for a new body, only to forget all over again. It was a cruel torture, all while looking for his love, endlessly.  
Merle fought to hold onto his faith, shaken again by her actions. She wondered if maybe he would have been a better father if he remembered instead.  
Magnus lost his home, his family, twice. Only one was by her hands, and if she hadn’t pushed them all so far away from her, maybe she could have saved them too.  
Taako had lost so much. He still didn’t trust her, even if he forgave her now. That trust was so hard earned, so delicate, when they had first met. She had earned it, and shattered it thoroughly. Maybe if she hadn’t erased Lup, it would have been better. He could have been happy.  
Lucretia made them lose who they had become, out of her own selfish desires to save them. She saved, and utterly broke, her family. She did it willingly, knowing the cost to losing the people who loved her, who cared for her.  
She bore that guilt, every time she saw them, every time she knew they didn’t recognize her, didn’t remember their life among the planes, among the stars. She felt it sting hard and cold in her chest as she spun a tale pitching them against themselves, spun lies about false evils. She felt as if she swallowed venom as she lie awake, late at night, working until exhaustion overwhelmed her, trying to make things right, trying to fix the horrible catastrophe brought her to break them apart.  
Lucretia had it the worst, drowning in guilt over saving her family.  
And she thought that was okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Talking with some friends who are TAZ friends, and one thing we always agree on is "everyone comes out of this arc with some serious issues". You don't come out of something having had trust shattered, faith broken, dying time and time again only to be remade, and be okay.
> 
> That said, this is not a Lucretia bashing fic! I adore her, and I understand her actions. Honestly, I'd probably do the same thing if it meant my friends were safe, even if it wasn't the best way to do it.


End file.
